Today is going to be a pity party for myself. Fell free to leave comments telling me that I am really an alright person and that I don't deserve to have Addi and any future children taken away from me.
1. Why I am a horrible mom #1
I do not have the ability to say no. Sometimes I do, like when she is hitting me with a stick or wants to carry around a knife, I have said no to her at those moments, but even then I have the tendency to let her get in one solid blow or look at the knife a little longer than she should. But one way I cant say no is in the car. I don't remember when it started, I guess when she got a forward facing car seat; the problem: Hand Holding.
I thought it was cute. She wanted to hold her mommy's hand. How sweet is that? How could I turn her down when all she wanted was the closeness of her mom and I loved having her cute little fingers grip mine. That was how it started. Now it is a constant battle of immediately having to hold her hand as soon as the car is started and not letting go until we have arrived at the location we are heading. So there I am, driving with my left arm (or knee if I have to change the radio station) and my right are reaching back in the most awkward way possible to her seat. Yes it goes numb. Yes it throbs. Yes we may crash and die. But at least I didn't have to tell her no and hear her cry.
2. Why I am a horrible mom #2
The dreaded Bink. I remember in the hospital them shoving the binkie in her mouth as soon as she emerged from the womb. I just figured it was what they needed, she loved it. Immediate addiction. I blame all addictions on binkies. I think they breed addiction like tendencies and one day all binkie addicts will be on cigarettes or candy or some other oral fixation because it was pounded on them as an infant. (Just a theory.) Anyway, she loves hers. It has been about a year now that the doctor told me to only give it to her in her bed (see reason 3 for why that didn't work out.) Heaven help her she loves that binkie. I take it from her if she is playing, eating or has something to distract her at all, but once she gets it, she holds it with all her might. Funny thing is she rarely sucks it anymore, it is like that toothpick that old men have hanging from the side of their mouth. It is just sitting there, pushed to the side of her mouth between her teeth so she can talk and stuff. I dread the day that we will take it. That will be a small slice of hell...which is why we keep putting it off. I know that when we go to her doctor again she will ask...I will lie, and it will be the never ending cycle of braces and binkies until she is in college.
3. Why I am a horrible mom #3
I have the absolute inability to sleep train. I read Baby Wise. Started crying, threw it against the wall because I knew that I did not have what it took to do the things they wanted. So every night we have our routine, brush teeth, read books, say prayers, sing songs, go to bed. All is great...for about 2 hours. Then she wants some comfort in the form of her parents bed. Some nights I am good at staying in her room and making her fall asleep again (by holding my hand of course...refer to previous) Other nights I am sleep drunk and just want to go to bed and I know if I bring her we will all get sleep. Again, I just keep avoiding it and think that it will take care of itself. I also blame genetics. Until recently, both of my brothers had a 10 year old and a 12 year old in their beds. See totally not my fault....we were born with the inability to have kids in their beds.
4. Wrap up:
So now what? How do I turn on the mean and teach her all the things that I have so horribly failed to teach in the past? I keep telling myself that the next baby is going to be in for it. That I will be totally immune to the 'cute' and just be mean and teach them all the 'right' ways of the world. But then there will be Addi in the corner telling them how the world really works and how to totally screw with mommy's brain. I am done for. I want more kids, but do you think it is even possible, or will I repeatedly bash my brain in with a baby bottle if I keep this up? What should I do good mommies of the world?